To Obsess. To preoccupy and dominate the mind continually, intrusively and abnormally.

When I was young I was obsessed with the future.
How things would’ve gone.
Now all I can think of is how they should’ve gone, could’ve gone.
Because when the great points of life,
Where it’s supposed to change you for the better,
They always overlooked me.
Now I’m left, looking back at the past,
Not the best version of myself.

Life can be full of many different things,
Quick-passing days, Slow dragging nights,
Venom that fills you with love,
Kindness that fills you with spite.
I can’t help but wonder,
When I signed up for all this,
Where the log out, off switch, signing out option ever was,
Yet for life the only one I could think of is a looped rope,
So I tried looping the ‘l’s of my writing
Instead.

Hanging off of a cliff by a quill and parchment isn’t a life I want,
Yet here I am living it with no view of tomorrow.
They always say not to look down,
But I keep sneaking glimpses of a hopeful past,
Of looking forward and idols to look up to,
Of playing with toys instead of minds,
Of not even being able to spell ‘manipulation’ or betrayal.

I wished on a star one day to restart life with the memories of now.
Yet I craved innocence, but I can’t that with experience,
That goes against the meaning of both words.
I wished on the star for my wish to not come true and the star disappeared.
I wanted to disappear but I had nothing left to wish on.
So I turned the dots of my ‘i’s and ‘j’s into stars
Instead.

I used to want a pocket knife,
Yet I was clumsy enough to cut myself with a butter knife,
I had trouble measuring distance by vision,
And feared the fact that just by looking at where I am now,
I can’t guess how much farther it is until my finish line,
For we can reach the halfway point of our lives,
Without ever knowing.

We barrel on forward,
Keep running, keep going, never stopping for flower sniffing,
Just occasional scribbling on a paper until we trip and fall,
Clumsy enough to cut myself on the rocks sticking out of the cliffside,
I realized how like a sideways mountain range the cliffside was.
I tried to stand on it and walk up. It hurt.
So I turned the points of my ‘w’ bottoms to curves to walk on easier
Instead.

I pull myself up and keep going in the race.
When I was younger I’d obsess with the future,
When I realized childhood was fleeting I obsessed with the past.
When I lost my map, I asked my mother for directions.
She told me she obsesses with neither and keeps her focus on the present.
That it’s best to obsess with only the now.
As I let it settle in, I wondered,
Why it isn’t best to obsess with nothing at all?

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