When I wonder if others wonder about me, I feel an expected drop. My heart to my stomach, mind caught in the twisted knot, and all that remains – a shell, with all my self hidden in the most vulnerable of places.
Anxiousness can be quite the enemy at times. Especially if paranoia rears its head. Paranoia and Anxiety, in their own right, are two different things. Simplest way I’ve heard it be put, Anxiety is worrying about the what-ifs that are about one’s self, Paranoia is when those what-ifs involve other people. So, I’m anxious of puking, and paranoid of being puked on for example.
I wonder if I’m anxious or paranoid about thoughts involving me. Anxious of being thought of. Paranoid of other’s judging.
Dwelling on other people’s thoughts and actions are a horrible past time though, I only have so much time to give and there’s nothing worse but to waste it when I don’t even know how much I have to allocate. Though if everyone kept to themselves and didn’t bother with the larger population, we would be much worse off than we already are.
Society isn’t perfect, but it always could be worse.
I suppose I feel a tad useless, doing all these worrying without much (re)action. Sharing my thoughts can be considering a (re)action though. Sometimes nothing is more relaxing than knowing someone shares the same thoughts and mindset as you do. That connects to the idea of just wanting to belong, and that goes right back around to fearing being judged as different. Though, in the same instant, there are people that want to be unique. Unique just like everybody else.
To be honest, I’d rather just a balance of it. A balance of uniqueness and sameness. Of worrying and reacting. Even of anxiousness and paranoia. It serves good to have a little bit of everything at times.